Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
