I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
