I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
