Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
