it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
