Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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