im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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