why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
