I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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