I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
