You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i already hear my dad disowning me
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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