I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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