I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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