Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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