the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
