Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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