who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
