I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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