You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
