You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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