I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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