Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
