i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
