dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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