There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
