Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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