there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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