my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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