Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
