I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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