i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
