my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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