I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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