Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
