I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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