Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
