Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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