he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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