i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
