I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
