The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
