somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
