3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
