i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
