You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
