If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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