her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
