sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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