I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
