they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
