i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
