My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
