I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
