barbara walters just said penis...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
